|
|
The following are from the Colbert Report.
A perfect pitcher and a batter that never misses: that's not baseball, that's interesting!
The whole point of baseball is to stand in one place long enough for
the people and the bleachers to become so bored they pay $10 for a
beer. This undermines everything the game stands for, folks!
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, July 29, 2009
|
I consider being sober a pre-existing condition.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, July 29, 2009
|
As a good American I love being terrified!
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, August 5, 2009
|
Listen ... we are getting off track by ... you being wrong!
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Aug 18, 2009
|
Sugar is just Jesus' dandruff.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Aug 19, 2009
|
Wow, I had no idea I was such a mood killer! But it is true, I rarely have sex during my show! Madeleine Albright, you are the only one!
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Aug 20, 2009
|
Going to the beach without an elephant is like going shoe-shopping without a mountain-goat.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Aug 20, 2009
|
Isn't baseball the national pastime?
For people over 50.
You think that basketball is where we're at now?
I think it is. I mean, if you watch the baseball play-offs, it's like erectile dysfunction commercial after erectile dysfunction commercial. It's like goth. It's the new goth. Basketball: they're selling sneakers, they're selling TVs, they're selling beer ...
Bill Simmons, in: The Colbert Report, Oct 29, 2009
|
SC: How many people have you found out are actually innocent that are in jail?
CW: Overall in the history of Dallas county we have gotten to the point we have 22 individuals that have been exonerated for crimes they didn't commit.
SC: And these people were in jail?
CW: For a long time! For a long time!
Stephen Colbert and Craig Watkins, DA of Dallas country, The Colbert Report, Dec 2, 2009
|
SC: Where are we on the terror alert scale right now? What's our color?
JN: You know what? I don't like doing the colors.
Stephen Colbert and Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security, The Colbert Report, Dec 3, 2009
|
CS: I went to a prison in Ohio and compared it to an average school in New Jersey. The amazing thing was that the prison was pretty much better in every single way. If you were a parent and didn't know that one was a prison and one was a school you would readily send your kid to the prison. It was better taken care of.
SC: That would be a penny-saver.
Stephen Colbert and Cevin Soling, author of "The War on Kids", The Colbert Report, Nov 30, 2009
|
Well, if we cannot do the tallest building, then I suggest we build a skyscraper that is distinctly American. May I suggest the world's fattest building?
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Jan 7, 2010
|
Republicans are inherently better at national security. That is an established fact of conventional thought.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Jan 12, 2010
|
If we all worked at Walmart, we wouldn't be able to afford to buy anything at Walmart.
Raj Patel, author of "The Value of Nothing", in: The Colbert Report, Jan 12, 2010
|
I think what we live in at the moment is a complainocracy, where every two years if our leaders have disappointed us we can replace them with leaders that have yet to disappoint us.
Raj Patel, author of "The Value of Nothing", in: The Colbert Report, Jan 12, 2010
|
We tried picking a leader at random -- it is called "Sarah Palin".
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Jan 12, 2010
|
The banks say they are too big to fail. I say let's make them smaller.
Jim Wallis, in: The Colbert Report, Jan 20, 2010
|
Prisons are just another government program that hands out free room and board to known criminals.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Jan 27, 2010
|
SC: Last question. Ben Bernanke, who oversaw the collapse of not only the United States but pretty much the world financial system, and brought our economy to its knees, has been reappointed as head of the Fed. Does this give you hope to be reelected as governor of NY? Because, may I remind you, he screwed everybody!
ES: I have become a big fan of Ben Bernanke.
Stephen Colbert and Elliot Spitzer, in: The Colbert Report, Feb 2, 2010
|
(about Blackwater) That's what you get when you privatize. When you privatize intelligence, you get companies that are making money not protecting American lives or American troops.
Robert Baer, former CIA operative, in: The Colbert Report, March 16, 2010
|
It's not easy to shoot yourself in the foot when it is in your mouth.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, March 17, 2010
|
RP: ... because I think the whole point of social change is *not* to follow leaders but actually that we can think for ourselves.
SC: I would love to think for myself, how do I do that?
Raj Patel and Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, March 17, 2010
|
Our celebrity-obsessed culture has gone so tiresome and predictable I cannot open a magazine these days without seeing gossip and scandal.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, April 19, 2010
|
Risky investments are more like risky sex. They are more exciting! If you make the banks wear a condom they won't be able to feel it when they are fucking us over.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, April 19, 2010
|
There is nothing illegal about selling customers a product designed to fail. The Chicago Cubs do it all the time.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, April 19, 2010
|
(about the Goldman Sachs abacus scheme) They were building cars that they thought or hoped that the brakes wouldn't work and then they were buying funeral homes hoping that they'd pay off later.
Andrew Ross Sorkin, in: The Colbert Report, April 19, 2010
|
Eskimos are basically just ice Mexicans.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, April 21, 2010
|
I celebrate Earth Day, because it is America's planet.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, April 22, 2010
|
If the market were truly free, we would be able to import a less principled government from China.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, April 12, 2010
|
Have you not heard "Ignorance is Bliss"? What is the purpose of letting the public know? It is like you are saying it is better to know than not to know.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, April 12, 2010
|
I never in a million years thought I would see the day where I would want to go to Houston.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, April 15, 2010
|
Maybe America is really the great Satan. Maybe we shouldn't educate women. It's worked great for Sarah Palin.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, April 26, 2010
|
When you are legal, you wear *Nikes*. When you are illegal, you *make* Nikes.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, April 26, 2010
|
Nation, we all know that there is an impending environmental disaster looming right off our fragile coastline. I am speaking of course about the wind farm off of Cape Cod that the Obama administration just approved. A WIND FARM? Do you know how dangerous that is? What if it breaks and we have a catastrophic wind spill? That last one nearly destroyed New Orleans.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, April 29, 2010
|
SC: Is there anything in this bill that keeps people from spending incredible amounts of money on advertising to win?
AM: Well, you are the ...
SC (interrupts him, now very firm): Is there anything in this bill that stops people from spending money on advertising to win?
AM: No!
SC: At least it will be the two richest guys, then I am all for it!
Stephen Colbert and Abel Maldonado, in: The Colbert Report, April 29, 2010
|
You've been in the US for four years. How are you not fat?
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, June 1, 2010
|
We are taking full responsibility. We are not blaming anyone yet.
Bob Dudley, Managing Director BP, The Colbert Report, June 1, 2010
|
President Barack Obama, March 2010: It turns out, by the way, that oil rigs today generally don't cause spills.
Stephen Colbert: Clearly, they don't cause spills, they cause unstoppable gushes.
The Colbert Report, June 1, 2010
|
(about the last scheduled flight of Atlantis): Soon the only way for Americans to launch themselves in space will be to row themselves in the Gulf of Mexico and toss a lit match overboard.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, June 1, 2010
|
The US hasn't felt so much global good will since 911. And folks, we cannot let it go waste. It is time to invade somebody.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, June 21, 2010
|
The American Meat Institute would not support a policy of cannibalism. (...) We would not recommend humans for the human consumption.
J. Patrick Boyle, President and CEO of the American Meat Institute, in: The Colbert Report, August 17, 2010
|
JV: "Because it lacks any synchronization process (...) we constantly cannot effectively assess whether it is making us more safe."
SC: ... which means it's making us more safe! You see, if your enemies infiltrate our spy networks, they, like us, will have no fucking idea what is going on.
Ret. Lt. General John Vines, and Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, August 16, 2010
|
In fact, the fact that the intelligence agencies are tripping all over each other, coordinating each other, makes an attack more likely. Sometimes small is better. And in this business having too many people around making money, tripping all over each other, increases the chances that the next terrorist attack will succeed.
Richard Clarke, in: The Colbert Report, August 16, 2010
|
And I'm still trying to figure out why you can't tell the difference between Chase Manhattan and a tiger. If I were you, I would be very careful going to the zoo.
Barney Frank, in: The Colbert Report, August 3, 2010
|
I cannot be gay, I am a happily married conservative such as Ted Haggarty and Larry Craig. (...) And I do such masculine things such as drink beer, Bud Lime Light, the manliest fruit-flavored diet Lager on the market.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, August 2, 2010
|
The Olympic Village is being built on a vast dumping ground laced with radioactive soil, or as they call it in England: Breakfast. It turns out the stadium site contains elevated levels of sodium and radium from illegal dumping in the 50s and 60s. Of course, today most of Britain's toxic waste is dumped on to America.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, August 2, 2010
|
... arming the insane. For the insane, that is just playing to your base.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, August 2, 2010
|
How typical of him to use the metric system -- the gayest way to measure things.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, August 4, 2010
|
Do you realize there are 12-year old kids in this country who cannot spell the name of the teacher they are having sex with?
Stephen Colbert
|
Bin Laden looks like an old Jesus that went postal.
Stephen Colbert
|
There is not enough lethal injection drugs to kill death row inmates? Couldn't we just feed them Arby's?
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, December 15, 2010
|
SC: Is it a major export for the United States?
DS: It is one of our leading cultural exports.
David Stern, Commissioner of the NBA, and and Stephen Colbert, talking about basketball, in: The Colbert Report, November 11, 2010
|
Kim Kardashian is going to stop tweeting. Folks, I don't know about you, but for me AIDS just got real.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, November 29, 2010
|
Now, I have long been against illegal aliens. Partly, because they distract us from an even bigger threat: *real* aliens. Or, as I call them: Space Mexicans.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, January 10, 2011
|
Poetica Vaginal was a project to transmit vaginal contractions into space to communicate with aliens.
Joe Davis, Research Fellow at MIT and Harvard University, in: The Colbert Report, January 10, 2011
|
I have been at funerals where people pull out their iphones (...) Thanksgiving dinners people texting and tweeting.
Sherry Turkle, MIT Professor, in: The Colbert Report, January 17, 2011
|
I know (...) and that her transparent desperation to be a celebrity so completely eclipsed her interest in public service so long ago that there would be more journalistic integrity in reporting on one of the lesser Kardashian's ass implants.
Stephen Colbert, about Sarah Palin, in: The Colbert Report, January 18, 2011
|
In those days you could disagree with a Republican and not be vilified as a terrorist pal.
Ron Prescott Reagan, in: The Colbert Report, January 19, 2011
|
SC: Would your father be nominated today for president?
RR: I am probably not the the best person to ask about that. Newt Gingritch or somebody like that might have some thoughts. But many people have said that he'd be too liberal today to be nominated as a Republican president.
Ron Prescott Reagan and Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, January 19, 2011
|
And folks, this is a return to the Republican values that I love. They don't let reality push them around, they just pretend the world is what they say it is.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, January 24, 2011
|
For God's sake, the man gets his power from the sun. How could he be British? They don't have a sun. They are misbased life forms.
Stephen Colbert, about Superman, in: The Colbert Report, February 2, 2011
|
Protests even took place in the most backward and corrupt country of the Middle East: Italy! Technically it's not the Middle East, but they are brutal and have mustaches. And that's just the women! And they are mad at their leader!
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, February 15, 2011
|
I'm just so proud, I'm so proud to have been born in a country where unsubstantiated rumors about people you don't support become majority beliefs.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, February 16, 2011
|
EJ: Well, the amazing thing is that Reagan really *was* a man. And right now we deal with him as a statue, because people wanna make him into a statue so that they can kinda use him to brand their own programs. But Reagan was a very different figure than we are told. I learnt a lot of surprises.
SC: What do you mean? Uhuhuh, Reagan is who we *say* Reagan is.
EJ: That's true.
SC: OK? Reagan cut every tax he ever saw, all right? He personally, *personally* threw Mexicans over the California border. (...) *Personally*! Overhead threw Mexicans back to Mexico.
EJ: Well, the reality is: those are myths. What really happened for example ...
SC: WHO CARES what happened in reality?
EJ: Yes.
SC: We are talking about Ronald Reagan here. The guy is bigger than life, true? A bigger-than-life figure.
EJ: Yes.
SC: OK.
EJ: That cannot be argued with.
SC: It can not!
EJ: He was an amazing man. But he was a man. And the point is, is that if we treat him as a statue, if we pretend he cut taxes, which he didn't, he raised taxes 6 of the 8 years he was in office ...
SC: But he didn't *mean* it!
EJ: Right, he didn't mean it, that's true. (...) And he didn't inhale either.
SC: No he did not.
EJ: Reagan, as it turns out, *predicted* that he would be misused. He predicted that public figures are used to sell agendas that they didn't agree with. And the far right, today, the very fringe part of the far right, are communicating a vision of Reagan that isn't Reagan. It's extremist, it means to sort of say: we should never raise taxes and be rigid, we should never negotiate with our enemies and be rigid, we should be very rigid about, you know, gay rights. Well Reagan was actually the first president to have a gay sleep-over in the White House.
SC: You go to hell!
Eugene Jarecki, director of "Reagan" (HBO), and Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, February 21, 2011
|
We are going to do everything we possibly can do in order to make sure we stand up for the rights of the working people in Wisconsin. That's why we are in Illinois.
Wisconsin Senator Erpenbach, February 22, 2011
|
You can commit suicide and still run. I am pretty sure John Kerry was in rigor mortis.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, February 24, 2011
|
I better find a new religion quick. But which non-Catholic religion to pick? They're all equally wrong. OK, you know what, I'm in the media, I start with Judaism, ok? Catholicism's cranky grandfather!
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, March 9, 2011
|
Everybody is searching for a fresh Republican face to take on president Obama. Like Newt Gingritch. Not that fresh, but a lot of face.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, March 10, 2011
|
Newt Gingritch: There's no question that in times of my life, partly driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and that things happened in my life that were not appropriate.
Newt Gingritch, on CBN, March 9, 2011
|
Yes! Newt only cheated on his wife because he is so passionate about America. Patriotism takes many forms. Some people join the Army, some people wear a flag-pin, and some people cheat on their wife while she is in hospital with cancer. You know, I never realized just how patriotic John Edwards is.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, March 10, 2011
|
Peter King: The fact is, the I.R.A. never attacked the United States. And my loyalty is to the United States.
Peter King, March 8, 2011
|
Exactly! It is only called terrorism if you kill American citizens. If they are British citizens, I believe it is called bangers and mash.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, March 10, 2011
|
How can you tell if a painting is European or is just gay? Because for Americans European and gay is a very fine line. We cannot tell the difference often.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, March 18, 2011
|
It's everything my old iPad did, but this one is NEW.
Stephen Colbert, about the iPad2, in: The Colbert Report, April 4, 2011
|
I just want something new, you know. I am so tired of the same old, same old. There's gotta have something fresh. You know, everyone does. Why do you think Newt Gingritch keeps trading in wives?
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, April 4, 2011
|
And right now we have a situation where the Senate is literally trying to tell NASA which rocket to build because of this jobs connection.
Andrew Chaikin, Space Historian, in: The Colbert Report, April 4, 2011
|
Must be that this is what Buckingham Palace looks like, with all this English crap.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, April 6, 2011
|
I hear that Kate Middleton is scheduled to have six hairstylists for the royal wedding. Meanwhile, prince William is scheduled to have six hairs.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, April 7, 2011
|
I hear that the Statue of Liberty originally was sleeveless. They covered it up after boats of immigrants kept turning around.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, April 13, 2011
|
So what? If he (bin Laden) was a figurehead, so is the British monarchy. And we love THEM! Whether or not bin Laden had day-to-day involvement running al-Qaeda, we love killing him for the pageantry.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, April 13, 2011
|
It's almost like most Americans don't want to see a movie about how most Americans are parasites.
Stephen Colbert, about Atlas Shrugged (2011 film), in: The Colbert Report, May 4, 2011
|
And Star Wars is really about a group of violent illegal aliens plotting to blow up a gated community.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, May 4, 2011
|
And in fact, people who get overweight tend to have better health outcomes than people who are underweight, definitely.
Amy Farrell, Professor for American Studies and Womens' and Gender Studies, Dickinson College, Carlisle, PA, in: The Colbert Report, May 4, 2011
|
Fear is just a state of mind, but then again, so is mad cow disease.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, May 5, 2011
|
I love football! It's got all the grace of ballet, except everyone is a nutcracker.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, May 5, 2011
|
Sounds great. But remember any baseball game already carries the risk that you may die of boredom.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, May 18, 2011
|
That's the truth about Sarah Palin: no matter what she does, America keeps asking: Why is this happening?
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, May 31, 2011
|
I think many people don't realize how much courage it takes and how much short-term harm often comes in telling the truth. As I am sure you have experienced, the truth is often unwelcome. (...) People have delusions. They cling to their delusions. We have delusions about our sports stars, about our politicians, about our media, the home living guys. We don't wanna hear the truth in many cases.
James Stewart, author of "Tangled Webs", in: The Colbert Report, May 31, 2011
|
Every other country on earth is happier than us. Even Ukraine! And their main export is despair!
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, June 7, 2011
|
And if history is any guide, no matter how much they despise their party's front-runner, Republican voters essentially do the right thing: close their eyes, hold their nose, get in that booth, and yank the lever! Just like they have sex!
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, June 9, 2011
|
Henry Kissinger is the perfect man to rattle up FIFA. His experience with Vietnam prepares him perfectly for a soccer game, they both go on forever and America never wins.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, June 13, 2011
|
They have finally developed a robot so lame that even the Japanese have sex with it.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, June 20, 2011
|
SC: If they were not complicit, they were incompetent.
SC: Not necessarily. They could be incomplicit. It's when you are secretly helping our enemies, but you are really bad at it.
SC: Besides, all our supply lines to Afghanistan are through Pakistan.
SC: Who cares? That war is unwinnable.
SC: Without their help we couldn't help fighting it.
Stephen Colbert and Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, June 30, 2011
|
SC: I don't know. I don't know. Are the facts important there? Because: I am NOT a big fan of facts. Because: FEELING is FIRST! And it FELT RIGHT to take out Saddam. Did it not FEEL right? It seems like a bad guy, seemed dangerous, it FEELS right to take him down. Later the facts SUBVERTED that good feeling. So what good are the facts?
TA: In subverting that good feeling!
Stephen Colbert and Timothy Garton Ash, author of "Facts are Subversive", in: The Colbert Report, June 30, 2011
|
Nation, I don't usually pay attention to what's going on in England, I assume if something really important happens over there, I find out about it in the next Harry Potter movie.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, July 14, 2011
|
Now, there have to be standards, folks. Like the new law in Texas that won't allow student IDs to be used for the purpose of voting, but will allow concealed handgun license.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, July 20, 2011
|
MS: Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees.
SC: Sucks! Did I get that right?
MS: You know ...
SC: Did I get that right? OVERPAID! Is that the answer?
MS: Very well. You know what makes? 25 million a year.
SC: Yah!
MS: An average schoolteacher. What does an average schoolteacher make?
SC: Aaaaaaa: A dollar 45.
MS: about 45 thousand a year.
SC: ok.
MS: Is that fair?
SC: Yes! What is the teacher's batting average?
Stephen Colbert and Michael Sandel, professor of Government at Harvard University, in: The Colbert Report, July 20, 2011
|
Right! So if you are pulling a news report completely out of your ass, it's safer to go with Muslim. That's not prejudice, that's probability!
Stephen Colbert, about Breivik's massacre, in: The Colbert Report, July 25, 2011
|
... and what typifies our way of life more than selling each other useless crap made in China?
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, September 12, 2011
|
Here's where I really think the real problem is. The post office is this public-private hybrid. It is controlled by Congress but handles no tax-payer money. (...) They should flip that around. That's a terrible business plan. They should be more like Haliburton, which has lots of tax-payer money and is controlled by no-one!
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, September 14, 2011
|
Everyone knows the fastest way to start a European war is to piss off the Krauts. So let's give them a real kick in the schnitzels.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, September 21, 2011
|
Germany, you just got your ass served to you. And in England that's a breakfast meat.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, September 21, 2011
|
And that is from a guy who would have sex with a four-slot toaster if it were under 18.
Stephen Colbert, about Silvio Berlusconi, in: The Colbert Report, September 21, 2011
|
Then again, a dead cat might still be more appealing than Mitt Romney.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, October 4, 2011
|
... because they say Democrats fall in love, Republicans fall in line.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, October 4, 2011
|
I did not know that actors needed education.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, October 4, 2011
|
By osmosis I was becoming an actor.
John Lithgow, in: The Colbert Report, October 4, 2011
|
JL: It is true I hadn't intended to be or wanted to be an actor when I was growing up.
SC: What sucked you in?
JL: Applause!
John Lithgow and Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, October 4, 2011
|
Folks, I'm especially excited this war is over, because it means we get to pick the next war!
John Lithgow, in: The Colbert Report, October 20, 2011
|
Turns out, different ethnicities have different innate gifts. Hispanics are good at hard labor, Asians are good at Calculus, and Americans are good at generalizing what other people are good at.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, October 26, 2011
|
Fortunately, Alabama has come up with a 21st century solution: chain gangs! Because Alabama farmers are being offered inmates to help pick produce before it rots. Now, instead of having our food tainted by illegal aliens, it will be harvested by perfectly legal criminals. This plan worked perfectly in Georgia, other than the working part. Jim! (now showing a TV clip from NBC from Oct 4, 2011)
"Georgia's agricultural commissioner will tell Congress today his state's tough immigration law has left farmers short 11 thousand workers. And instead of jobless Americans some of the new workers are prisoners and ex cons who farmers say don't work as fast as immigrants."
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, October 26, 2011
|
Think about it: Jesus rose from the dead -- he's the original zombie! Except, you eat HIS body! It's true, therefore it is not offensive! (no letters please!)
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, October 26, 2011
|
Just because someone's in my ad doesn't mean we're coordinating with their campaign, anymore than, if, you know, just because
my penis is in someone's vagina doesn't mean we're having sex.
Stephen Colbert, about candidates in "issue ads", in: Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, November 7, 2011
|
SC: Why do you think the West is failing?
NF: Because the things that made the West leap ahead economically and in terms of life expectancy and in terms of power were six institutions that essentially we monopolized for about 500 years. Competition, the scientific revolution, the rule of law based on representative government and private property rights, modern medicine, the consumer society, and the work ethic. We monopolized those institutions and ideas for about 500 years, but we don't anymore. Because other societies have copied them. And meanwhile even as they're, if you like, downloading our killer apps, we are in the process of deleting them. And that's the problem.
Stephen Colbert and Niall Ferguson, in: The Colbert Report, November 7, 2011
|
But you're right in the sense that there's likely to be more conflict between China and the US as China overtakes the US in economic terms.
Niall Ferguson, in: The Colbert Report, November 7, 2011
|
And folks, this weekend was a category 5 consumercane, with Americans spending over 55 billion dollars. Nation, this ORGY of Christmas shopping proves: America is BACK! We are once again spending money we don't have on things we don't need to give to people we don't like!
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, November 28, 2011
|
In the end I was more wasted than a donation to the Huntsman campaign.
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, January 9, 2012
|
I mean, they are small, but they are not Guatemalan.
Stephen Colbert, about Asian people, in: The Colbert Report, January 10, 2012
|
Our credibility was so bad, we couldn't believe our own leaks.
Bill Moyers, about US intelligence in the 1960s, in: The Colbert Report, January 10, 2012
|
Corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Bill Moyers, about Citizens United ruling, in: The Colbert Report, January 10, 2012
|
Now folks, you know, you know things are rough when a Harvard economics grad has an easier time getting a job as an NBAA point guard than a Wall Street bond trader.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, February 13, 2012
|
Folks, I gotta tell you, it is good to be back with Americans, because I spent last night with Hollywood.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, February 27, 2012
|
But if I wanted to pay money to see a black-and-white relic, I'd buy the New York Times.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, February 27, 2012
|
Yes! Romney is like an Etch-a-Sketch, in that they are both square and colorless. (...) Mitt Romney is like silly putty on a newspaper: you press him onto your political beliefs and he becomes an exact copy. Plus, Mitt is like Lincoln Logs: both stiff and wooden. And Mitt Romney is like a Lego man: He’s only got one facial expression and his hair snaps on."
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, March 26, 2012
|
You think Wisconsinites would like Rick Santorum, given that he is a wheel of Colby cheese: not that sharp, and holier than thou.
Stephen Colbert, in: The Colbert Report, March 26, 2012
|
SC: If you think higher education is such a great thing, sell me on it. Say something smart, smart guy.
RH: It's the most important way of people learning how to think, get their own identities, think creatively. (...) Too often we are asking students to go *through* college, rather than actually putting in the kind of time and effort and be challenged in a way that helps them develop their highest capabilities, both intellectually as well as emotionally. (...) We're not making enough demands on them. We're not asking them to read much, we're not asking them to write much, we're not asking them to make public performance in terms of being able to solve problems, we're in fact *lowering* the standards that we had 30 and 40 years ago. (...) All good education does two things at the same time: it conserves the best of what we know, and it questions the best of what we know, in case we were wrong. (...) we want them to, in fact, do more than simply understand that education is for a job, narrow job skills. We want them to also be able to ask questions and solve problems that are new, rather than get stuck in something that is sort of assemblyline-like. (...) What's common about the schools that are really doing it right, is, they have cultures that are very challenging, that ask students to engage in *far* more work effort, far more writing and reading, far more integration of knowledge. (...)
SC: (...) What is a specific thing that a college might do different for a child?
RC: That no matter which course they take, or at least for most courses, they're being asked to actually, engage in *serious* thought, lots of reading, lots of writing, and getting a lot of assessment feed-back, and where, in fact, they're being challenged *all the time*, rather than simply taking courses for credit hours, and getting a diploma, and claiming: "Here's my diploma, I'm educated", and haven't done much for it. There's too much grade inflation for example. (...)
Stephen Colbert and Richard Hersh, former President of Hobart and William Smith Colleges, former President of Trinity College, former Provost and Vice President for Academic Affairs at The University of New Hampshire, former Provost and Vice President for Academic Affairs at Drake University, former Vice President for Research and Dean of the Graduate School at the University of Oregon, former Director of the Center for Moral Education at Harvard University, in: The Colbert Report, April 10, 2012
|
|
